They’re at every holiday party. You know them as soon as you make awkward eye contact with them from across the room. You give them that universal nod of acknowledgement as they sip hard eggnog among you. Or at least as you pretend to sip it because, let’s face it, even with a healthy dose of booze, eggnog is still no Real American Lager.
Of course, we’re talking about the Holiday Who’s Who—the five people who are bound to be at that holiday party you’re going to this (and every) year:
When you see the storyteller… run. Or at least quickly excuse yourself to get another Kräftig and never come back. If you can’t find a way out, just nod along as they drone on about what they experienced while backpacking across Europe. Act like you’re interested, even though you heard those stories last year, and the year before, and the year before that. Gift idea: new material.
The Bad Gifter
“It’s the thought that counts, right?” Sure. But there’s only so many times you can get a white hand towel or a regifted set of spoons before you get a little upset. Deep down, everyone hopes this is the year they’ll actually give something good. But they probably won’t. On a positive note, you’re now on a first-name basis with the nice lady at Customer Service.
This holiday hater is the one lurking in the corner of the room, silently judging everyone who looks even remotely festive. They’re likely decked out in all black as a silent protest against the whole “deck the halls” thing. If you wish them “Happy Holidays” or anything of the sort, they’ll go on a tirade about how this time of year has become so commercialized. Speaking of which, the quick fix to their “Bah, humbug” is to buy them a Kräftig.
The Christmas Perfectionist
This is the person at the party who just takes the holidays to the next level. They know every single word to “All I Want for Christmas Is You” and belt out all the high notes (but don’t actually hit them). They’re the type of people who refuse to consider Die Hard a holiday flick. They had most of their shopping done before the year even started and their decorating done in October. If you ask them about rap music, they’ll tell you about wrapping paper instead. Did someone remember to bring fruitcake? It’s not that we’re going to eat it—it’s just the principle.
Chances are you probably won’t actually meet The Napper. But you will see them. They’ll be conked out on the couch as soon as they settle in. If you do meet them, it will be during that brief window of time when they wake up to get a plate of food before plopping right back down on the cushions. The Napper will likely be the last to leave as they’re too busy sleeping while everyone else… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
So, there you have it—the Holiday Who’s Who. And if you’re unfamiliar with one of them, then we have some bad news for you… you’re probably that person. The good news is that we’re all thankful you’re at these parties with us – they wouldn’t be the same without you. Never change a thing. Except your drink. Change that. Dump the eggnog down the drain and grab a Kräftig instead.